Monday, November 8, 2010

Toni in the Hospital

Hi everyone, Heather here.

As you probably know, I'm Toni's assistant. She asked me to post here a status update for her so you would know what's been going on.
Unfortunately, Toni is in the hospital. She was in ICU for a few days and doesn't even remember what happened or how she got there. The doctors are running a bunch of tests on her and checking her lungs, which they seem to be especially worried about. There were also some issues with her heart and kidneys. I'm sure when she's feeling better she can give the full info about the diagnosis.

Anyway, she asked me to post this here so everyone knows that she is not ignoring them. She knows that there are people who have been trying to get in touch with her but until she gets out of the hospital she will not be able to resume work. She's hoping to be out sometime this week though, so cheer up. She'll call or email or whatever it is you need her to do when she can.

She also wanted me to post up the addresses in case you want to send her get well cards. Apparently people were asking and so she feels it's best just to put it in a place where everyone can reach it.

Hopefully after this Toni will be better and she'll have a great holiday season. So how about joining with me and wishing her a speedy recovery?

Thanks, Heather



Thursday, September 23, 2010

New FOOT FETISH clips up on Clubtoni, or you can get them at the clips store: http://tinyurl.com/25s8es9 and http://tinyurl.com/26op8vu

Monday, September 20, 2010

Nursing and Medical humor joke

Lately I've missed working as a nurse, so I've thought of maybe doing some more work that has to do with nursing. Even if it's just some sensual medical fetish scenes for content where I play the naughty but caring nurse that would give me something like the experience. Now let's take your blood pressure...hrm, that's interesting, it seems to be rising. Maybe I shouldn't have unzipped my uniform before coming in here? Sorry I thought it was so hot in here...

Anyway, with this in mind there are the horrific sides of medicine. But people like Dave Barry can make them funny. Someone sent me this piece that Dave Barry wrote about getting a colonoscopy. I know a lot of people that have had to get this done so they find a funny sort of comfort in knowing it's the same weird scene for everyont that has to go through it.
Dave Barry lives in FL like I do and writes for the Miami Herald. You can also see his website here. It's a lot of laughs on all kinds of different topics and he has a lot of really funny books with his outlook on life. Anyway I hope you enjoy this one. The quotes from patients at the end is especially funny!



Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Got the dust settled finally, my daughter is off at college and settled in, and I'm used to it being just me. So I thought I'd have some fun this weekend and go bar hopping to celebrate. Haven't been able to do that since I moved to S. Florida. The bars here in the area are incredible!
Also got my hair and nails done, back to being brown hair with some blond hi-lights in it since that seems to be what people like best. Got a new pilates machine, maybe ti will make me taller! been so full of energy I'm goign to apply to some amatuer contests and see how I do now.
They now have workouts for pole dancing for women in the homes that want to look toned, take it from me that is one of the BEST ways to get in shape fast! and it's fun and feels sexy too.

It's just a week for dancing. Saw that Dancing With the Stars is starting up this week too.

This coming week, back to doing webcam shows again! I'll be on the lookout for some hot girls (and guys!) that might want to try that out with me. People are so much fun here in Florida, more laid back and ready to party, so shouldn't be too hard. So that will eb my treat to you guys that have waited so patiently this summer for me to get back on the webcam. meantime, i hope you liked the photos and vids we got up on Clubtoni, and there's more new content to come!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Some more fetish photo sets up on Clubtoni and some new videos as well!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

2 new vids up on Clubtoni. You can also download here: http://www.clips.com/viewclip.php?cid=196373&a=220264

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

New Post. My dog died and I just need some time http://clubtoni.com/blog/?p=575

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Friday, August 6, 2010

Toni back in full force soon!

Sorry not around much, but soon that will be different! I don't have much computer access until my daughter is off to college in two weeks...then it will be just you and me (wink). We're breaking out the toys boys! smile

Maybe bring a friend! I do have new content for you just hectic summer with new job and getting daughter to say goodbye to family in Ohio and NC, then packing and settling her in. So I apologize but I am here and will make it up to you, also workong on doing massive updates and changes. So trying to change galleries and add a bunch of videos and sets, not just one. Also got content for dom site so you will see what more of me and a few different things. I'm looking forward to it and I thank you for your paitence. Also while changing if you have any comments or suggestions that would be cool. Love you!

Will then be on the webcam and im more cause it will just be me at home and no time constraints or trying to be quiet. So I'm excited about new content, new look and spending more time wiht you!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

6 New Galleries up on my site! Most of them are fetish galleries www.clubtoni.com

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Some fun jokes!

Thanks to "John Ready" for emailing me these! I laughed so hard I had to show them to those reading my blogs!


Love,

Toni B



Tagging Birds

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:



Wash. Biol. Surv.



Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:



"Dear Sirs:



While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."



The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.





_____________________________________________________



A Dog's Life

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.



"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."



____________________________________________________________



Words Not Yet In The Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.



AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.



AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.



BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.



BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.



CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.



DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"



DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.



ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.



EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.



_________________________________________________________________



Blonde and Library

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Short clip version of me wrestling up on youtube http://tinyurl.com/25a7phg also in my myspace videos!
The newer, longer, re-edited version of my wrestling clip is up on my clips.com store! http://tinyurl.com/37wpx5a

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Brand new clip up on Clubtoni.com! If you aren't a member, you can download the clip here! NSFW! This Clip : http://www.clips.com/viewclip.php?cid=193743&a=220264

Wondering where I am?

This is another quick update! I know seems like I dropped off the face of the earth in the last few weeks. Who knew so much preparation had to go into sending my girl off to college? Wow, how do parents of other college kids do this? Spending a week with her in orientation (who knew it took a week for that?) and I promised I'd spend the rest of the summer with her.
I also have some ideas in the works for new content for my site, as well as some other new projects. I don't want to give away the surprises yet, so stay tuned!
I'm currently in FL, and probably staying here until the end of August at least. My daughter goes off to college around mid-August.
I'll be spending what time I can at the end of August getting all caught up with emails and responding to everyone that has been trying ot get up with me.
I'm also looking for some fun people that want to do webcam shows with me or maybe some photo or video shoots! So if you know anyone that might be interested, send them my way!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Friday, July 2, 2010

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Fitness

You might remember how I posted a few months back that photo of a peek in my fridge, which showed my protein shake mixes and other things to help with my fitness plan.


It really does pay off to watch your calories, keep you carbs relatively low, and eat a lot of high protein/low fat meals to help build muscle and burn fat.

I think I’m looking better than I have in years at this point, and it’s because I’ve been dilligent in sticking to a better routine.

In the last few years I’ve had several articles published about me and how I love to work out. I’ve been in Oxygen and Fitness, which focuses primarily on Women’s Health.

It’s hard to stick to a routine sometimes, because like many people I love carbs and sugar, and when you’re stressed you often think of how you want those things. That’s why when I cook things high in carbs I try to have as many people come eat at my house as I can, so that I can share the food and not feel that I have to eat that many carbs myself. And being around people and having a good time can lower your stress so you’re not as tempted to eat Carbs. Want me to cook you dinner?


Strangely, unlike a lot of people I eat better when I’m on the road. I don’t have as much time to eat so I go grocery shopping for things that I can eat quickly but that will be healthy for me…fruits, salad mixes, almonds, trail mix, yogurt, etc. So those top 3 photos show my food on the road. The bottom pic is from cooking dinner for about 5 people at my place when I”m back home.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

INRALEIGH NOW Tmay 25 to 29) next week sc

 sorry but already prepaid hotels and i know i am late ! i know  please write and call now and i am catching up with you guys today but be here wed thru friday toni
704 516 6840
 then sunday thru wed chareslton
and columbia thur fri sat
love you

Monday, May 24, 2010

My tour dates have been updated for my Carolinas tour! http://www.bellatoni.com/calendar

Friday, May 21, 2010

WHEW! By end of night there will be over 600 new photos up on CLUBTONI.COM! Now's a good time to be a member if you want to see some never-before-seen pix!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Raleigh

Think people will remember me in Raleigh? I hope so! New sites and updates coming up!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Traveling this week!



Been traveling this month, ended up in Charlotte. Before heading back to FL I'm going to Raleigh for this week, maybe through the weekend unless I get to go to Charleston next weekend.

Since last year I've gotten in much better shape! I'm down to size 2 again but now with DDD boobs and people keep saying how much I look like the old Toni!

Took some photos with my cam on my phone a few times this month, hope you like!


 

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

travel

okay Ohio and Pittsburgh
right now in Columbus and next week march
23 to 28th Akron
and then headed back thru to
Pittsburgh,
Dayton, Columbus, Cincinnati and Cleveland

will let you know what order but headed back
thru to catch you


Monday, March 8, 2010

On being a mom

A lot of people ask about my life as a mom. So here's some info about that. My daughter is going to college this year, finishing up high school. Sometimes when I'm not out on the road I help her with her schoolwork, like this year earlier when I helped her on an English project. She had to write a resume for the monster in Beowulf and then do a large picture story book based on that story, so I helped her with coloring in the pictures.




Sometimes she signs on the computer and people think it's me so they message her (BE CAREFUL what you say on IM, make sure it's me first!) recently she was talking to some hot girl in Italy that said to my daughter she was jealous of me. My daughter thinks that funny because people just don't see how I'm always running around trying to get everything done, well except my daughter and my assistants and a few of my friends. Not much to be jealous of when you have to work all the time and barely have a minute for yourself, right?

This year for her birthday we had not been living in FL for very long, so I took her to Orlando and we saw some of the theme parks and went to a really nice restaurant for dinner (you'd die if I said how much it cost us to eat there! Well, unless you've been to a Brazil Churrascaria before, then you'd know how much it is!)



Like me, my daughter loves animals so we're always taking some in and caring for them. We also found out that the first year we live in FL there's a lot of places we can go into for free to see animals and shows and stuff, so we took advantage of that the first two months we lived there, places like Jungle Island and a duck tour we went on. Oh here's a pic of me in the Everglades when we went, my daughter took this pic.



So yeah, we're best friends. Next time I'll give the advice I have to parents with young kids they want to see go to college :) Trust me, the 4-5 years leading up to that are some of the craziest ones to ever go through with your kid, but it's so worth it to see them succeed!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

So much news to catch up on!

I know I know, I haven't been posting as much lately. I had a lot of things to do around and after the holidays, but I finally got caught up and decided to go out on the road again. So I'll be posting more to give the news of things that happened around the time when I was away.

But first, I just want to post this collage of some recent photos taken of me, less than two weeks ago! Just to say thanks for stopping by to read my blog :)

Love,
Toni B